My Journey

Over a decade of my life has been spent grappling with chronic illness. My first initiation was in college, through a mysterious and disabling condition that lasted about 5 years (hot tip: parasites are more common than most people think!). Most recently, in 2019, a series of infections, injuries, and stressful experiences while living in Iraq turned into a painful and complex condition that persists, albeit more gently, to this day. As I became less and less able to function, my career in the humanitarian sector was cut short and I moved back to the United States. From there, my story sounds like many others: a wide range of baffling symptoms, visiting specialist after specialist, inconclusive tests results, a large collection of supremely unhelpful diagnoses, a steep decline in my mental, emotional, and physical health, financial dependence on others, and my experience being minimized or dismissed entirely over and over and over again.

At some point, I went from having zero diagnoses to too many: Myalgic Encephalomyelitis/Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (ME/CFS), Long Covid, mold toxicity, fibromyalgia, endometriosis, dysautonomia, Chronic Lyme Disease, and more. I’ve worked hard these past years to validate my experience while also staying open to the unknown and not over-identifying with any label or symptom. Sometimes, I fail.

In a desperate bid to reclaim my health, I did hours and hours of research in medical journals, attended every relevant online health conference I could find, and implemented anything and everything that was within my budget. From diets to supplements to neural reprogramming to vagus nerve toning – you name it, I probably tried it. I wish that this was the usual arc in the story line where against all odds and with sheer determination and grit, I managed to finally heal myself.

Unfortunately…nope.

I’ve made a lot of progress, but a full recovery has thus far eluded my grasp. Despite what the wellness industrial complex would have you believe, there is no One Path to healing. Healing looks differently for everyone, and there are no guarantees. However, that does not mean the journey is not worthwhile, for it lays bare the longing underneath it all: to live a life full of love, meaning, and joy. And if we listen closely, how to get there.

And so, I am learning how to live in the in-between, how to tolerate discomfort and uncertainty, how to balance acceptance and hope. I am exploring some of the most important questions of my life: What does healing mean to me? How can I live a joyful and meaningful life right alongside my fluctuating limitations? How can I deepen my connection to my soul, to my body, to my community, to this earth?

As I look now at the full picture of my illnesses, I see it less as a series of unfortunate events and mistakes (though there were plenty of both), and more as a shockingly common story of what happens when an overburdened and sensitive body is exposed to the many stressors of modern life. We live on a poisoned and inflamed planet – is it any wonder my body, an organism inextricably intertwined with her environment, would react the same way? Yet it’s not just the viruses and bacteria and toxins – it is the way we treat each other, the downstream effects of colonialism and capitalism, the myriad ways in which rampant, unchecked greed has set our lives on fire. In the last several years, I have often felt like a canary in a coalmine – one of many fragile birds desperately chirping her warning, to no avail.

All of this to say: I believe that illness can serve as an invitation into the fullness of our humanity as well as a call to action. Many of the root causes of ill health are systemic, and ask us to not only turn inward, but also outward to our responsibilities to each other and our planet. Like many of us, I often find myself paralyzed in the face of great suffering, especially as I expend so much energy working to heal myself. Yet deep in my bones, I know that by healing in community we can chart a path forward, together.

P.S. If anything that I’ve written on my website resonates, I’d love to hear from ya! You can reach me directly at bethanyschmid@gmail.com

Care to join me? Here’s how: